Picture this with me.

You are in the middle of the ocean, no site of land. It's a fairly still day, but of course there's still a current. You have been swimming for days and days and days, against that current. You're tired. You're fed up. You simply want to float, just for a little while. You don't want to change direction or course, you still want to get to where you're going...but you just need a rest.

If I'm being honest, which I'm trying to be, this is pretty much how I felt at the start of the summer. I was tired, mostly of God. It felt like hard work, like I was constantly swimming against that slow but steady tide. I just wanted to float, even for a little while. 

So I did. It wasn't a major crisis of faith, it wasn't me giving up, it wasn't me turning away. I guess it was a loss of focus. You see, I was out there in the ocean and I couldn't see anything. My eyes were fixed on this overwhelmingly vast sea, and nothing else. Of course I wanted to float, I mean there's nothing hopeful about a big blue mass of water if that's all it is. 

It's my lesson learnt time and time again, and one that I don't think I will ever stop learning. If I don't start with Christ, then where am I going? I was tired, and so I guess I put God on "pause". Mostly, I just didn't speak to him. Some may say we were on "a break". But we weren't - as often as I think He would like to, God doesn't put us on breaks. He doesn't give up on us. I knew that I was going to have to face Him properly at some point, and if I'm honest I was scared. I thought I was going to be scolded. You see that's the problem when you don't speak to someone for a while, you tend to forget what they're really like. I was not scolded. God met me where I was, with love and compassion. Arms wide ready for the embrace. The law was not there, yet grace in it's place. 

Truth is, I don't really have to be swimming against the tide anyway. Jesus pulls me out of that, and walks with me. When Peter's eyes were fixed on Christ, he was walking on water too. 

I so often think that my mind and heart will somehow be focused on Jesus as soon as I wake up in the morning. That it's not something I have to do consciously. That my heart will be warm to the gospel all the time. It's not. My sinful heart is cold to the gospel. I have to consciously pick Jesus. Yes, He is changing my heart to seek Him more and he is refining me to be more like Him - but it doesn't mean it comes naturally. Thankfully, I don't have to do that on my own either. 

And I will call upon your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Words.

I love words. I love the way that they can be used to express almost anything I am feeling or thinking. I love the way that you can get so easily lost in them and I love the way they tell stories and bring things to life. Most of all though, I love how welcoming they can be. I love the way I can use them to welcome people into my head and my heart and my life. 

This blog was supposed to be a way of doing that, but unfortunately, I don't think it has been. I write from the heart, and I write about things that God has been teaching me and the way that He is slowly changing me. Or at least that's what I try to write about most of the time. But if I'm honest, I have been petrified of sharing this with everyone. In fact, I shudder at the idea that someone will read what I've written and think that either a) I'm straight up crazy for talking about having a relationship with Jesus or b) I'm a hypocrite. I like to think that I don't care about what people think of me, but I think deep down we all do. Even in the simple things - for example I often dread going to the hairdressers because I know that she's going to ask me questions about my life and somewhere along the line I'm going to have to tell her I'm a Christian and that scares me because most of the time I really don't know what to say after that. I'd much rather talk about the weather. How ridiculous is that? I'd rather talk about the weather than the the fact that Jesus Christ loved me enough to lay down his life for me so that I could spend eternity with the Lord of the whole universe! I mean I know we all love a bit of sunshine, but really! 

Recently I have been reminded of the goodness and greatness of God! So often I 'rebrand' Him into something that He is not, and someone that I wouldn't want to share with people. But when I look to Him, I cannot keep His good news to myself. He is so much more than words can express, but I hope to be able to share more of Him as he teaches me. 

Maybe I am straight up crazy, but so is His love and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. And most of the time I don't get it right. I am being taught lessons over and over and over - but I thank God for His grace and His patience. 

"For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work, saving everyone who believes."

Thankful for simple truths.

One of my favourite things to do, and something I should really do more often, is keep a list of things I am thankful for every day in my journal. I just number them throughout the year and it's such a simple but great way of 'counting my blessings' and of reminding myself of how good God is and how much He cares for us in our daily lives. It seems ridiculous to have to remind yourself of how good God is but it's something I so often forget in my thinking. I must confess that one of my least favourite songs to sing in church is 'God is good all the time'. I'm not quite sure what it is about the song that just makes me cringe, but I'm really not a fan. However the simple words of the song do ring true, God is good all the time.
One of the best parts about it though is looking over past journals and seeing the ways that God has always been there and the way He has answered prayers. He walks with us every step of the way. Again, it's such a simple truth but one we cannot help but marvel at. We never have to do it on our own, in fact we shouldn't.
I'm always one for reflecting on time apparently and a couple of days ago marked the 'anniversary' of me leaving Thailand. I genuinely cannot believe it's been a whole year since I left, and it's not been the easiest year, but no year is. In typical Lucy fashion I kind of thought this year would be a breeze spiritually. Obviously the whole making friends business, settling into university and getting used to studying again would prove tricky but I kind of just thought that I would keep growing in my faith without really having to do anything. I grew so much while I was away and I knew God wasn't done, but I guess in some ways I thought  I was over the 'hill' if that makes sense? I laugh now when I look back, and I don't think I ever realised this was how I was thinking, but I pretty much thought I was doing great. Rookie mistake. But in all of God's goodness and His grace, He walked with me and brought me back down on my knees. It's such a beautiful image when we think of bowing before our Lord, but the way down isn't always so appealing and it often takes a few blows to the ego before we realise where we need to be. I'm still being brought to my knees day after day, and most of the time I come reluctantly - but how incredible that God doesn't give up on us! He desires for us to come to Him but He meets us where we are.
In His faithfulness God has continued to teach me and grow me this year, but it has been in the simple truths that I have learnt the most. He is good, He is faithful, He is constant and He is just. I can rest in His promises because I am a loved child of God, righteous in His sight because of Jesus. These are words we hear all the time yet so often we don't let them truly sink in and rest in our hearts. But as I said, God doesn't give up on us and I don't think He will ever tire of teaching us more of His great love and showing us more of Him.

I'm also thankful for the fact that when I typed in thankful into pinterest, this is what came up. People are fun!

Somehow help me see with heaven's eyes.

'When He had said this, He shouted with a loud voice, Lazarus, come out! And out walked the man who had been dead, his hands and feet wrapped in burial clothes, and with a napkin bound around his face. Jesus said to them, Take off the grave clothes and let him go.' - John 11:43-44

Take off the grave clothes.

This passage was talked about a couple of nights ago at our student gathering at church, and the message that stood out was 'Take off the grave clothes and let him go.'
So often we stop at the cross. Jesus came for us - to pay for our sins so that we may have relationship with Him and live life to the full. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure that if I were Lazarus, I would want to get those grave clothes off me asap. They must have been so gross! Yet here I am, still walking around with my (metaphorical) grave clothes on! The grave clothes that bind me down and stop me from keeping my eyes fixed on Christ. It's funny that to have life to the full here, is to remember that we were not made for here, and to see with heavenly eyes. To have our gazes tilted upwards. (It sounds so poetic right? Most of the time, I feel like one of those dogs with the bobbing heads - as soon as my eyes are looking at Christ, there's something else that has me looking down again. But, the encouraging thing is that those heads keep bobbing and my eyes won't be fixated on the ground for too long!)
Something that was said the other night that resonated with me, was that the voices that lie to us never go away. It's not exactly an uplifting thought, but it does leave us with a choice. In my mind I guess I always thought that at some point, the voice telling me that I'm not good enough, or that I need to try harder or that I should just give up (etc...the list is as long for me as it is for you) would stop! That it's something we grow out of or that once I achieved x,y and z they would go away. They don't. To have a heavenly mind-set and to take off those grave clothes is a choice. Yes God helps us and tells us what those grave clothes are and He will never leave us or make us do it alone, but it is our choice to look upwards and to listen to His voice over any others.
I don't think I will ever not be the bobbing dog, and I so often mess up and look inwards instead of upwards. But how encouraging that we do not do this alone, and that the victory has already been won and we see with heaven's eyes because of His love.

The last night of being 18...

Birthday blogs are oh so much fun - in fact birthdays are just fun and I don't really understand people that don't like to celebrate them. The excuse is always 'oh I don't like to make a big deal of myself...' which always makes those of us who enjoy birthdays feel bad, but seriously...birthdays are fun and should be celebrated!
But I also love birthdays because it's a chance to just look back on the year and see how far you've come, and what you have to be thankful for, and what you want the next year to look like!
This year has been a funny one for me - leaving Thailand, 'readjusting' to life in Scotland and moving to university. It's been a year of transition, which is exciting in some ways - but it can also be tough. No matter how many books, articles or blogs you read about change - it's always hard. My dearest mother, who tends to come up in these blogs a lot, sent me a quote once in an email and it has always stuck with me. 
'The steps of a believer are steeped in constant change. Fingers are painfully peeled away from the security of sameness one at a time. Again and again. Great wisdom lies in freeing fellow sojourners cherished though they are. With hands freshly loosed we find liberty to embrace the One who will never change, and courage to release to Him those who ever will.' 
Change and letting go are difficult. So often I have been tempted to pretend like they're not, because truthfully - like most of us - I have gone through a lot of changes in my life and it seems like it should get easier as time goes on. It doesn't, but I'm learning to embrace the change and I know that God has worked so incredibly in my life and through the changes that He has brought about. This quote (I think) is mostly talking about people - but I think the same can be said for places and times in our lives. This year has seen many changes, and with that I was so terrified that I would change. Honestly - God changed me when I was in Thailand and I kind of thought that was it. That He had brought me to a place that I needed to be - and I needed to stay there. It has taken me pretty much all year to realise that in no way was He done. He has promised to continue the good work that He started in me, and He will do that in all aspects of my life and regardless of where I am. After times of growth it so easy to try and cling on to where we are, instead of letting go and trusting that God will continue to carry us and He will shape us to be more like Christ. Trying so hard to stay where we are is like stunting our growth. 
It has been an interesting year,full of goodbyes and new beginnings, and looking back I don't really know where the time has gone. But I have been so blessed and God has been so good and is continuing to teach me more about Him and His great love. 
So, here's to being 18...and bring on the last teenage year! (sob sob...next year's blog might not be so upbeat, 20 is officially old!) ;)

The picture closest to my birthday last year (apparently I didn't actually take any on the day!) A very sweet girl who is still incredibly close to my heart!

From an MK.

'So, if your parents live in Singapore...then is it kind of like you don't have a home? Don't you feel lost? Isn't it really hard?' 

These are the words I hear so very often whenever I meet new people. Now, to be fair, I usually have to tell my whole life story whenever the question 'Where's home for you then?' comes up, much to people's dismay. You thought you were going to get a 30 second answer, but I end up giving you a good 5 minute answer. It's a lot when you're not expecting it! It also becomes something I tend to dread. Having people ask you whether you feel lost and "left behind" all the time isn't exactly comforting, and while I know they mean well, it's so frustrating, because most of the time a simple 'no' does not suffice!
I feel I should start by clarifying that I do have a home, and my parents in no way left me behind. I don't feel lost, but yes sometimes it is really hard. 

So often, we think of 'mission' as being an individual thing. Something between ourselves and God. That's true, but I think we so often forget that it is not our mission, it's God's, and He involves all His people in it. I very clearly remember receiving a letter from my mother when I was probably about 12, and she was away. I don't remember the whole entirety of the letter, nor the exact words, but I do remember her saying something about not being able to do what they did without me and my brothers allowing it. At the time I think I kind of understood but never really thought too much about it. Recently, it's come up a lot more and so I've had to think about it.
I know that if I needed them to, my parents would fly home tomorrow to be with me. Not because they don't want to do the jobs they are called to, but because they're my mum and dad, and that's what parents do. They take care of their children. 
But, I don't believe that God's call on my parents lives was just a call on their lives, it was a call on mine too, and my brothers, and the rest of our family. It was a call on my life to sacrifice the good for the greatest. Not because He couldn't accomplish what He wanted to if it weren't for me, but because this is what He wills.
Today was Easter Sunday, and I didn't get to spend it with my whole family. There are many things that we don't all get to be together for, and there are the simple things we miss out on too. But, I believe that God's plan and purpose and calling is so much bigger than the things we miss out on, and so much bigger than the hard times. 
The disciples followed Jesus wherever He went, and they didn't have Skype! 
And as I said before, parents take care of their children. And we have a Father in heaven who takes the best care of us! He is the One who makes sure we are not lost and not left behind.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. - Romans 8:28-30

No MK post would be complete with your typical missionary family photograph. Enjoy!

Don't you wish you were a Cowpland like me.

Just some recent sibling pictures! :)

All the single ladies.

I've been wanting to write this post for a while, but I've always chickened out on the basis that it's going to be cheesy and also, it's just something that people don't love to talk about so much. Now I know what most of you are thinking, 'you're only 18 Lucy, get over yourself.' Well yes, but it's still something that I myself have struggled with, and I know many of my friends have too. And it's something that God has really been speaking to me about lately, so I feel that I should share. So please bare with me!
Since coming to university, I have been surprised at the amount of girls who I've heard the words 'I just really want a boyfriend' from or something along the lines of 'Just think - in four years time we'll probably be getting engaged!' Now I'm not judging, I've been just as guilty of thinking along these lines. It's the dream isn't it? To come to uni, meet your prince and get married at the end. If we're honest, it's what we strive for and day-dream about. And somehow we end up thinking that when we finally 'get' our guy, we'll have made it. We will be the happiest girl in the world, and life will be complete, or just beginning. However you look at it, you will have achieved some sort of goal. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not ridiculously cynical or bitter - I know love makes you happy, and that's great! But, sometimes we have the attitude of wanting any guy even if he's the wrong guy. And we pity those who haven't found their guy yet. Or we throw ourselves one big pity party. We are so guilty of idolizing being in a relationship.
Recently, I was reminded that our God is not a God of disappointment. It is impossible for Him to be disappointing and when we find ourselves feeling disappointed by Him, it's not because He let us down but it's because our expectations were wrong. His plan for us is more incredible than we can get our minds around and He doesn't want us to settle for second best. We so often label being single as being second best but actually it's God's will for us right now, and we can't be disappointed by that.
And the truth is, when we set our hearts on eternity and on Christ, then what does it matter if we're single? What does it matter if people pity us? What does it matter if a guy doesn't like you? What does it matter if we don't get roses on valentines day? We have a God who accepts us and loves us for who we are and gave us the greatest gift of all and wants us to give our hearts to Him.
Honestly, sometimes it's no fun being single. Sometimes we envy our friends who are in relationships and day-dream about when our big day will come, but our God does not disappoint and as always, we should be keeping our hearts and minds focused on Him.

We are not needed.

So I've been taking a theology class this semester and like most people who take a one off class, I already think I'm a master theologian! Not really, it's actually pretty hard to wrap my mind around the things we're doing, but I am finding it interesting!
Anyways, we were talking the other day about God and creation and how without God, creation would cease to exist but without creation, God would still be. That we as created beings are completely dependent on God, yet He is not dependent on us at all. He doesn't need us. We do not complete Him or perfect Him or fulfill in Him something that was missing, because God is completely perfect. He is God and nothing we can do adds to that. The act of His creation did not make him more than He already was. I know this might seem fairly simple and obvious, and in some ways I already knew it but had never really thought about it much. When thinking about why God created the world, I knew it was because of His love and so that we could have a relationship with Him, but on some level I think that I always have thought about it in the sense that God was lonely. That He needed something to fill His life with and so chose to pour out His love on us. That isn't God's character at all. He didn't create us to fulfill a selfish desire of His own and by doing so, showed grace to us. No, He created us because He wanted to. He wanted to have relationship with us because of His love, not to perfect who He already was. I'm not sure if I'm quite conveying what I mean, I'm not a great theologian and I don't understand everything, but what a wonderful thing to know that we were made because we were desired. God knew that we were going to be a sinful, broken people who would reject Him but He still wanted us. He still chose us.
How incredible!

When I think about blogging, most of the time it stresses me out. I love to write but most of the time I feel like I have nothing to say. I feel like I need to have this huge big lesson to share before I can write anything down - but truth be told, the big huge lessons don't come every day. Sometimes I wish they did, and sometimes I wish I didn't have to learn at all. But this isn't about the destination and getting to the point where I know everything there is to know, and understand everything there is to understand. That won't ever happen. It's about the every day journey. The 'ploddings' of life, as my Dad would most likely put it.
But funnily enough, there is a lesson to be told...kind of. It mirrors exactly what I'm saying, or at least what I'm trying to say. I think that so often I feel as if I have to have everything sorted before I can do anything. I have to have my thoughts jotted about before I can put pen to paper, I need to put you in the diary before we can meet up and the craziest thing of all, I need to have my life figured out before I come to God. Now I realise that my last post was along these lines too...but the crazy thing, is that I still haven't got it right. And I probably never will.
But y'know what? I am a messy, broken, sinful person who isn't ever going to get it right on her own. I was at a conference last week and the speaker made a really good point. God promised Abraham and Sarah a baby, and they waited and when they lost patience they tried to receive God's promise by their own efforts. They used Hagar, the slave girl, to 'fulfill' his promise and by doing so, all they did was produce a slave. But when God did fulfill His promise, which He always does, they produce a son. When we try to do things by our own efforts, we only make ourselves slaves, but when we trust God we are made sons.
I don't have to have everything sorted before I come before God. In fact, if I ever think that I have everything sorted then somebody please knock me down a peg. He wants us to come to Him broken and needy. On our knees. Every day. We need him every day, in the constant ploddings of life.
And as for putting pen to paper, I do apologise but I imagine that my blogs are going to become a little less 'sorted' and a little more frequent! Though sometimes I struggle with topics to write about now that I don't have my wonderful children as inspiration! So if anyone has any ideas, then please do me a favour and let me know! I'll even dedicate the post to you! Ain't that wonderful...

it's been a while...

So when I said I would start blogging again I fully expected to be doing so every week! well life gets busy and unfortunately it just hasn't worked out like that. But I'm hoping to be better this semester!
Most of you will laugh at this but my 'New year's resolution' this year was to sort my life out. No joke. I thought of the amount of things I wanted to improve in and decided that basically I just need to sort myself out. There were all the normal ones like eating healthier, doing more exercise, working harder, reading my bible more, wrote more blogs, be generally nicer to people...you know the drill. It's funny because I made this decision after looking back at the last 6 months of 2012 and thinking about what I did and didn't do and what I needed to improve on. and while yes all of these things are good things to improve on, I was forgetting about the biggest lesson I have been taught since coming to university.
Though I'm pretty lazy, I have always been very focussed on what I can do. What I can do to make things better. Whether that is improving on a skill, growing deeper in a friendship, cheering someone up, fixing problems (even when they are not my own), 'bettering myself', and even trying to make my relationship with God better. While there isn't necessarily anything wrong with these things, they can become dangerous. I can become obsessive and controlling and something that started out as a good thing can change very quickly. I'm not very good at just letting things happen. God made me very aware of this last year and is continuing to do so.
I could so easily talk to you about each of the aspects I mentioned and how God has been teaching me about them but I don't want to make this post too long so I will just focus on the last one.
Trying to improve my own relationship with Christ by doing things. it doesn't work and it doesn't need to be done. I so often think 'if only I read more, served more, prayed more, got involved in this or that, met up with this person...then my spiritual life would be so much better!' and while yes, all of these things are important, God reminded me that he wouldn't love me any less if I didn't do these, and sometimes I just need to test in Him and let him do the work. So often I feel like I'm clinging on . to Him by the tips of my fingernails and that I'm so close to slipping away. after coming back from Thailand I felt like I had grown sip much and I just wanted to hold on to that and thought the way to do so was by acts. Bit God graciously reminded me that He is holding me in His hands and I can let go. He is not leaving me and I am safe in His arms. He has already done everything that needs to be done and I just need to live my life thanking Him. Starting there rather than at what I can do definitely helps.
So while my New year's resolution is to ' sort my life out' I want to do so by reading in Him and allowing Him to change me inside out into the person He wants me to be, all the while reading in the fact that I am His child.