Picture this with me.

You are in the middle of the ocean, no site of land. It's a fairly still day, but of course there's still a current. You have been swimming for days and days and days, against that current. You're tired. You're fed up. You simply want to float, just for a little while. You don't want to change direction or course, you still want to get to where you're going...but you just need a rest.

If I'm being honest, which I'm trying to be, this is pretty much how I felt at the start of the summer. I was tired, mostly of God. It felt like hard work, like I was constantly swimming against that slow but steady tide. I just wanted to float, even for a little while. 

So I did. It wasn't a major crisis of faith, it wasn't me giving up, it wasn't me turning away. I guess it was a loss of focus. You see, I was out there in the ocean and I couldn't see anything. My eyes were fixed on this overwhelmingly vast sea, and nothing else. Of course I wanted to float, I mean there's nothing hopeful about a big blue mass of water if that's all it is. 

It's my lesson learnt time and time again, and one that I don't think I will ever stop learning. If I don't start with Christ, then where am I going? I was tired, and so I guess I put God on "pause". Mostly, I just didn't speak to him. Some may say we were on "a break". But we weren't - as often as I think He would like to, God doesn't put us on breaks. He doesn't give up on us. I knew that I was going to have to face Him properly at some point, and if I'm honest I was scared. I thought I was going to be scolded. You see that's the problem when you don't speak to someone for a while, you tend to forget what they're really like. I was not scolded. God met me where I was, with love and compassion. Arms wide ready for the embrace. The law was not there, yet grace in it's place. 

Truth is, I don't really have to be swimming against the tide anyway. Jesus pulls me out of that, and walks with me. When Peter's eyes were fixed on Christ, he was walking on water too. 

I so often think that my mind and heart will somehow be focused on Jesus as soon as I wake up in the morning. That it's not something I have to do consciously. That my heart will be warm to the gospel all the time. It's not. My sinful heart is cold to the gospel. I have to consciously pick Jesus. Yes, He is changing my heart to seek Him more and he is refining me to be more like Him - but it doesn't mean it comes naturally. Thankfully, I don't have to do that on my own either. 

And I will call upon your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine